How To Talk to a Divorcee

Seems like a funny title for an article, right? Especially for a community designed for divorcees. Do we really need lessons on how to talk to each other? 

The answer, oddly enough, is yes. 

I've met a number of divorcees over the last couple of years, but especially once I started working on this site. People who heard about this project were quick to introduce me to friends who were newly divorced, recently separated, or trying to get divorced. I've always tried to pay attention to what people need in conversation, and I’m by no means an expert, but I learned a few things on this journey. 

If someone is newly divorced…..

DO listen more than you talk. Most people at this stage desperately need to vent. They don't necessarily need solutions, they just want to know that they're heard.

DON'T compare your experience to theirs, and definitely don't make yours sound worse than theirs. Every divorce story is different; you'll always be comparing apples to oranges. Each relationship has its nuances, and no one in the middle of the mess wants to hear that you had it worse. To them, nothing is worse than the moments they can't seem to escape.

DO ask if there is any particular resource they are looking for, or if there is something specific for which they need assistance. If you're in a position to help others, and you're able to help out, go for it. But don't overextend yourself. Is there someone else - a person or organization - who might be better suited? Offer to give them contact information. 

DON'T be discouraging. People are most vulnerable at this stage, regardless of who initiated the separation or what the reasons were. Be supportive. Be encouraging. If you can't do that, just listen.

DO ask them if they're ready to join a whatsapp group or to attend a casual event. Most people at this stage are not looking to date, they're just looking to network and to meet people in similar situations. 

DON'T PUSH.

If someone is divorced for a while…..

DO reach out and say hello once in a while. Check in. Just because someone has a routine doesn't mean everything is going smoothly.

DON'T assume they “have it under control”. No one ever does, not really. 

DO ask for advice if you feel this person has something constructive to contribute in a specific situation. We may not have been successful in marriage, but we're not total failures! Everyone has something to give. Everyone has something to teach. 

DON’T forget that friendships, like relationships, are not always 50/50. Sometimes you need to be the supportive one, other times you need the support.

DO be sensitive. The journey is not always linear; even the veterans struggle. 

There is still so much to learn. It’s not just about communicating, it’s about support. How can we be effective in our encouragement? What should we be saying or doing to lend a hand to someone else? How do we know we are not saying the exact wrong thing that will push someone to their breaking point?

Listen. Pay attention. Be there. Give someone a hand, lend them your shoulder. We are all in this together.