You're Going to be Fine

“You're going to be fine.”

Those are the words my father said to me, after he dropped me off back at home the night I got my get. My kids were spending the night at my sister's, and I had one night to regroup before our new chapter would begin. My father had no reason to think otherwise; I had always been independent. I had always had a job and earned money, I had been the one managing finances and paying the bills during my marriage, I had done the cooking and the cleaning and the shopping and everything else. I was used to this. I told myself that the only thing that would change is that I would now be the one doing carpool. 

I was wrong. So was my father. Many things changed, and for a while, I was not fine, no matter how hard I tried to fake it. 

I was very very lucky in that I had more than a few amazing and unbelievably supportive friends who helped me through those very difficult first few months, which were complicated even further by the onset of Covid. But even with that support, even with my history of being capable and efficient, I was not fine. 

Being a single parent, particularly the custodial parent, is difficult, more so than I expected. It's not just that you're the one doing the cooking and cleaning and shopping and homework and all the little things in between. It's that you need to be present, constantly on call, every hour of every day. We don't get to turn to our partners and hand them the reins for an hour so we can clear our heads. We are always needed. We are always available. And we are always, always expected to show up. 

People who have never been divorced (or widowed) can't understand what it means to “need a break”. “What do you mean?”, they ask. “These are your children, this is your life, married people don't get breaks.” That's true. But everyone needs a chance to take a breath, an opportunity to rest, and a moment where we can just STOP. 

I will warn you that sometimes, once you actually stop, it can be very very hard to start up again. A social worker once explained to me that I had been on autopilot for so many years (long before my divorce), that I no longer understood what it meant to function at a slower pace. I had just been going and going for so long, I forgot how to relax. I forgot what my hobbies used to be. I forgot what it was that made me ME.

Parenting is exhausting; parenting alone even more so. It's OK to admit you need to rest. It's OK to ask for help. And yes, it's OK to sometimes put yourself first. It took me a very long time to learn this, and even longer to accept it and to actually do it. But yes, sometimes you come first. You cannot bury yourself in your responsibilities to the point where you are lost. You are important. You matter. And you're going to be fine.